BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions.

Written by Dr, Esther Adenike Luogon

Do not be misled Betty, that was a devilish counsel. And may I reiterate this. Though the world’s standards are changing, God’s standards remain the same. “Marriage is honourable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”(Heb.13:4). Many innocent girls had been deceived just like you, and unfortunately some had made a shipwreck of their lives. The truth, Betty, is that once a lady makes herself cheap to commit fornication, she has sinned against God, and more often than not the man gets rid of her.

Try and imagine what happened to a juicy orange. Once the buyer sucks the juice, what remains? The chaff, Betty replied. Yes, and she throws away the chaff. Once you fall a victim to pre-marital sex, you are no longer precious to the man. The excitement to enter into a marriage relationship dies off. What else is he looking out for anyway? And even if one patches it up and gets married eventually, trust is betrayed already. Remember once the house is built on the foundation of distrust and doubt, one cannot enjoy that marriage.

They will live together in suspicion of each other’s activities. Whenever the husband sees the wife chatting with another man, it may be an old schoolmate, the husband becomes fidgety. At home the next question would be: Who is that man that was talking to you? I saw the two of you laughing heartily. So what is the relationship between you and the man? He is already putting up an angry look. Woman, you gave him room to be suspicious. Watch your life! Betty thanked her friend, Lucy, for her mature counsel and promised she would live to do the right thing. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But he who heeds counsel is wise.” (Prov.12:15). Betty left Lucy’s place fully resolved to accept Dale’s proposal...

The families were informed about the relationship and everybody was in support. Thus preparations towards the wedding began. Dale and Betty were in the final semester at the University, and they both agreed that the wedding should hold a month after their graduation.

On the wedding day, Dale and Betty were full of smiles, chatting all the way. It was obvious to everybody that the couple were friends indeed. Lucy was not the chief bride’s maid as everybody had expected. Betty and Lucy took that decision because they realized that Lucy would be saddled with a host of responsibilities so as to make the wedding ceremony a huge success. If she had to occupy that ‘special’ position for that day, she would be distracted a great deal. One of the tasks she was to carry out on that glorious day was the giving of the toast of the bride and the bridegroom, as it is generally described around here. She was to tell the audience how the couple met, all that transpired during the relationship until the wedding proper.

At the wedding reception that blessed day, she gave the toast, and after sharing the details with the jubilating audience, she turned to her friend, “Betty, my love, it is now time to meet ‘the man’ in your man.” What a riddle! There was a look of surprise on everybody’s face, but Betty got the joke. Dale could not comprehend this joke, but his wife promised to explain it to him after the occasion. Four months after the wedding, there was no doubt that Dale was a man as it evidenced in the wife’s protruded stomach. Betty was expecting a baby.   

(N.B. Hope you are enjoying the story. For the rest of the story, please visit

1.      https://okadabooks.com/book/about/bridges_to_re;ationships/14769   OR

.      www.amazon.com/Esther-Adenike-Luogon/e/B01HK0KMVY

   

BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions Written by Dr. Esther Adenike Luogon

She is in deep love with you but she has told herself the truth that many ladies seem to be ignorant of, and that is, ‘it is not every guy that hangs around you that really needs your love. Some guys just do it for the fun of it.’ Dale looked at Lucy, ‘Tell me more, is this how you ladies think? Thank you Lucy. I can see that you are a true friend indeed. Please do not tell Betty that we had this sort of discussion. Do you promise? ‘I promise.’ She answered. I will get back to you Lucy. Bye. Dale zoomed off. Dale left Lucy’s presence with much confidence in his feelings towards Betty. I never knew that she was reading between lines. You see one needs to be careful these days with ladies. At times they can be very funny too. Even when someone is deeply in love with you in her heart, you just let out the cat, and you will be shocked at her reply, ‘I am not interested in any relationship right now.’ One wanders if it is a cliché that every girl must go for. I hope Betty will be different. He soliloquizes.  After a few days, Dale went to visit Betty and they began to discuss about all other subjects in the world except love matters. Betty was not feeling too happy at the protracted stay of Dale and yet, nothing substantial was coming out of the discussion. She looked at her wristwatch and her countenance changed.

Sorry Betty, it seems as if you have an appointment somewhere. Why do you say so? I have no appointment. Betty replied. But I saw you looking at your wristwatch. Oh! I am very sorry for my bad manners. Betty apologized. That’s alright. Now let us go on to the real business of the day. I am here on purpose Betty. She was surprised at Dale’s utterances, but she held her peace. Looking intently at Betty, Dale declares, ‘I love you so much, Betty. I cannot do anything without you. Will you marry me?’ As if she had not been longing to hear those words, Betty looked at Dale and asked quietly. Can you excuse me please? Before she could get off her seat, Dale asked again. Betty, are you ignoring me? Do you want to walk out on me and leave me in your room? I am very sorry if I have hurt you Betty. I promise that was not my intention. Sorry, I need to go now. Betty felt sad that she did not have the courage to say ‘yes’ to a question she has long been waiting to hear from Dale. Thanks Dale, I hope you are not too disappointed in me, let us keep up our friendship. Who knows what the future holds? Dale smiled. Sounds familiar! Betty was inquisitive, but he refused to offer any explanation. And they both walked out of her room.

Betty headed for Victoria’s room knowing very well that Lucy went there to study. She went with the hope of getting a shoulder to cry on. She burst into the room, rushed towards the beautifully laid bed and she began to cry. Lucy was taken aback at Betty’s dramatic action and she moved slowly towards the bedside, sat by her friend and encouraged her to speak out. After a while Betty lifted her head and looked at her friend. Her blood-shot eyes frightened Lucy who shouted, what is this Betty? Do you want to kill yourself? Talk to me. What is the problem? In response to her many questions Betty narrated the event that took place between herself and Dale. I guess as much. Lucy affirmed. Betty was baffled, looked straight into Lucy’s eyes and asked. How do you know? Know what? Lucy pretended as if she did not say anything implicating. Well Betty, it will be alright. Dale went back disturbed but he was determined not to give up too soon. “May be she is playing one of those pranks that ladies play with guys.” After few days, he decided to visit Lucy to find out if Betty had discussed with her. As Dale approached Lucy’s room, he was full of agitation and began to ask questions: What of if Betty is with her in the room? Will she not misunderstand my intentions? Are these girls truthful to themselves in their relationship? Several questions flooded his heart, but he summoned up courage and proceeded to the hostel. But why couldn’t he call Lucy on his cell phone to ascertain her where about? May be he was afraid that her friend, Betty, might be right there in the room with her. Let me just take the risk and get there, if I am unfortunate to meet Betty on seat, I will try and be smart to play my cards well. He concluded.

There was a knock on the door. Who is there? Before she could receive any response, she asked the visitor to come right inside ‘if you are beautiful looking.’ Dale opened the door gently as if he were a lady. To Lucy’s surprise, the beautiful face she was expecting in her room turned out to be a handsome looking friend of hers, Dale, the lover boy of Betty. She welcome him, offered him a glass of fruity juice and they began to discuss matters that were dear to Dale’s heart. In the course of their discussion Dale was inquisitive to find out from Lucy if Betty has confided in her about her feelings towards him.

Leave that area Dale, just do your part as a man. But what do you mean by that Lucy? Dale did not want to walk on assumptions. I mean, maintain your position and let her know that you are sincere with your marriage proposal. Does she think I am a playboy Lucy? Dale, please, please, be careful. What did I say just now that suggested that? Lucy gave Dale a look of assurance and encouraged him to press forward. Dale walked back to his hostel disturbed. “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad.” (Prov.12:25)

Betty came into the room an hour later and she confided in Lucy during their discussion, “Lucy do you know that Dale has never asked me to go to bed with him? Not even once! I am afraid he may not be a serious lover, and again I hope he is a man.” Lucy raised her eyebrow and rebuked Betty sharply. Are you not a Christian lady Betty? Do you expect a pre-marital sexual relationship from a Christian brother? Please for God’s sake, you need to ask for forgiveness. But Lucy, don’t blame me. Bosun demanded for that before we broke up the relationship, and when I shared this with some of my friends they laughed me to scorn, and called me all sorts of names, ‘holy Mary’; ‘virgin girl’; Holy mother, just name it. And I was told that it was normal for any guy to ask for a sexual enjoyment these days, or else ...

TO BE CONTINUED...

BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions Written by Dr. Esther Adenike Luogon

  CHAPTER ONE

In this chapter attention shall be directed at chains of relationships that exist among friends. It deals with issues of lack of trust between friends; communication gaps between lovers; delays in making one’s intention known to an opposite sex and problems relating to pre-marital sexual relationships. A number of assumptions are made here that almost ruin healthy relationships, but for the unfolding of truth as portrayed in each story. See the following comments:

“He does not like seeing other guys around me…It’s getting on my nerves these days.”

“ If I do not allow him to have sex with me, he will severe the relationship”

 “He does not call me on telephone regularly as he used to do, he must have lost interest in this relationship.”

Story I

“He does not like seeing other guys around me.

  He would always ask, And who is that fellow?

  It is as if he is witch hunting me. 

  I am fed up with his attention.

  It’s getting on my nerves these days.”

 At a University campus in Nigeria, Lucy and Betty met as room-mates and they became the best of friends. Interestingly, both of them were studying architecture. There was this boy, Dale by name, who had been coming around to visit the girls. One beautiful day, Lucy opened up a discussion with Betty. Aren’t you lucky girl, to have got a guy who is that interested in you? I think Dale is in love with you and I will advise you not to miss such a good guy. Among the guys we relate with on this campus, he is one in a million. Ah! Lucy, stop exaggerating. It is as if Dale has bribed you or something. You have suddenly become his public relations officer of late. Is he paying you for the job? Which job? Lucy asked. But let us face the truth Betty, that guy is falling heads and heels over you. You dare not disappoint him.

Betty asked Lucy an obvious question. Did Dale confide in you that he has asked for my hand in marriage or what? Have I received an engagement ring from him, or why is he policing me all about the campus?

He does not like seeing other guys around me. He would always ask, ‘And who is that fellow?’ It is as if he is witch hunting me. I am fed up with his attention. It’s getting on my nerves these days.

If he is interested, let him speak up. Lucy, I am not in the picture of this stage you seem to be setting for him. I know he is our friend, but is there anything more to this friendship? What is the essence of hiding your feelings from a lady if you truly love her? Instead of explaining to Betty the discussion she had earlier on had with Dale, Lucy just told her friend, Betty, make sure you do not miss this golden opportunity. Let’s get ready for lectures.

A week before Lucy had her last discussion with Betty she had met Dale at the cafeteria and they began to talk about campus life. While the discussion was still on, Lucy suddenly changed the topic. Dale, when are you people bringing us together to celebrate the D-day? Surprised, Dale asked Lucy, what do you mean? What celebration are you referring to? Don’t play safe Dale. I mean you and Betty. Almost stammering, Dale asked, ‘what did Betty tell you? Did she tell you that we are engaged?’ Lucy, talk to me, she is your friend. Has she confided in you that she likes me and would love to live the rest of her life with me? Lucy kept quiet. After a while she broke the silence. Dale, I am very sorry to have embarrassed you. But the way and manner I see you guard against all unwanted guests around Betty, I simply drew the conclusion that you are in love with her.

Lucy, you don’t have to apologize. I think this is a blessing in disguise. To be honest with you I am in deep love with your friend, but I am so afraid to tell her this. Are you not a man? Men are known to be bold and courageous. But you seem to belong to the category of those few that have no spine, Dale. That’s o.k. Lucy, let us go back to serious talk. But do you think Betty loves me? Will she accept to give me her hand in marriage? Is she fond of me Lucy? She remained silent. I am afraid she could give me a cold shoulder, so I put my feelings on hold. Dale waited for Lucy to respond. Lucy put up a satisfying smile, stretched out her hand to Dale and said, ‘Let me have my reward right away for assisting you to allay your fears.’ Dale shrugged off his shoulder and said, ‘O.k.’

You know Betty is my friend Dale. We talk heart-to heart. She is in ...

TO BE CONTINUED...

BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions Written by Dr. Esther Adenike Luogon

INTRODUCTION

All too often conflicts erupt among friends, peers, relations and others in their interaction with one another, basically due to communication problems. Communication is said to be the bedrock of all forms of relationships, and a good understanding is the hallmark of communication. Positive form of communication would attract good and successful relationship, while negative form of communication might result into a disintegration of relationship. Let me refresh our minds on few tips about communication. An author defines communication as “the interchange of ideas, facts and emotions by two or more persons by the use of words, letters and symbols.” There are different kinds of communication- verbal and non-verbal. At times human beings draw their conclusions by whatever interpretations are attached to words that are spoken or actions that are displayed. Unfortunately some of the interpretations are sometimes wrong because they are based on false premises.

If a class teacher is talking to a student for example and the boy begins to fidget, the teacher might assume one or two things, either that the boy is rude or is in a hurry to leave, but the actual fact may be that the young boy is pressed but he is afraid to ask the teacher to excuse him in order to attend to the call of nature. It is obvious that due to the wrong assumptions being upheld by the teacher, he will pass a wrong judgment on the boy and may even punish him. But if he cares enough to find out from the boy his reason for fidgeting, definitely he would develop a healthier attitude towards the boy. What I am reiterating in essence is the fact that communication is often hard work. When two or more people are engaged in any discussion, each party expects the other party to listen to the points raised and respond appropriately, but often we get disappointed when the feedback that is received is not in consonance with the message that was sent...

There was an interesting story about two friends who happen to come from different tribes, and by implication they speak different languages. Ojo visited his friend, Musa on one sunny day. The latter was so excited and instead of welcoming his friend first, he rushed into the bedroom to invite his father to come and meet with his friend. Unfortunately the visit turned sour just because differences in their languages were not taken into account. When Musa was rushing to call his father he said, “Where is my father, my friend is here.” Interestingly the same sentence Musa spoke in his language connotes a different meaning in Ojo’s language. What Ojo heard therefore was, “Where is my cutlass, my enemy has come.”

If you were Ojo, I guess you would have waited for Musa, or what would you have done? In all honesty nobody in his right mind would want to stay a second longer to watch the drama. By the time Musa and his father came out, Ojo, his friend had disappeared into thin air. When people are relating, cross-cultural considerations are very helpful. Musa and Ojo are from different cultures and that affected their relationship. This sounds like an extreme case though because if Ojo were to wait to find out from Musa what he meant, it might be too late if Ojo’s interpretation turned out to be correct...

TO BE CONTINUED ...

WHERE ARE THE PRAYER ALTARS FOR THE NIGERIAN NATION?

 N.B. Please Join us every 2^nd and 4^th Tuesday monthly for Prayers for Families and the Nation at Joyful Callers Counselling Ministry’s office, Suite 35, In God we trust Shopping Plaza, Fasakin Bus stop, along Sawmill-Gbagi road, Ibadan. Oyo state, Nigeria.  May the Lord find us dependable. Amen. (08138143021)

Dearly beloved in Christ Jesus.

No doubt crisis looms over our beloved nation, Nigeria. We can no longer deny this. It is a fact! The percentage of Christians in Nigeria are tactically being reduced through killings of various kinds - Spiritually, physically and mentally. Spiritually many are giving up their faith by selling their souls to Satan because they want to get rich quick, while some are in search of “protection” having abandoned the great Shepherd Himself. We have heard or read about such stories in the daily Newspapers. Few years ago it was reported that a head mason in a particular village (name withheld) was given a contract and was asked to come with twenty bricklayers, himself inclusive. They were conveyed in a vehicle to a place he could not identify because they were blind-folded on their way, and when they got to the middle of nowhere the blind-folds were removed and right before them was a vast land. They were to lay the foundation of a “church.” But to their chagrin about twenty pillars were there and a human being was tied to each pillar. Holes had been dug already and the instruction given to them was to bury one person in each hole. They had to obey under duress. The people were buried alive, and the holes cemented. After this cursed job they were returned to their village blind-folded and before they reached their village the blinds were taken off. They could not recognise the place they were carried to for that demonic operation. From that day the chief mason stopped accepting any job outside his village, and unfortunately one of the masons became mentally deranged. Brethren, what kind of “church” is this?

Beloved where are the Prayer Altars for our nation?     

Physically many others are being killed by the so-called “Fulani-herdsmen.” When did Cattle rearers become military personnel? Where are their staff with which they were leading and guiding their sheep and cows in years past? They now use sophisticated weapons to protect their cattle, from what or from who? It is a known secret that many Christians had been slaughtered especially in the Northern parts of the country. Think of Borno State killings, Adamawa, Taraba, Yobe, Kaduna, Benue and most recently Plateau state killings by supposed Fulani herdsmen. Hun un!

Mentally our children are being taught that all religions are the same, “Orun- lo- mo- eni ti- o- la” (Only heavens know those who shall be saved). This is contrary to the scriptures. John 3: 16-18, “For God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten son, that whosoever believes shall not perish but have eternal life…Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.” It is not about claiming superiority over other religions, Christianity is about Jesus Christ shedding His blood for the redemption of humankind. Some of our Christian girls are being lured with money to quit Christianity. The Bible states in 1 Timothy 6: 10, “For the love of money is the root of all evil.” This must stop! Let us teach our youth to love God above materialism.

They have mapped out strategies about how they want to fight Christians and wipe out Christianity. Is that not an aberration?  Can any mortal fight his creator and win? Over the centuries Christians have been suffering persecution. Has Christianity been eliminated? No! It can never be. On our part we do not have calculated strategies. Actually we don’t need any because we have GOD! Halleluyah. “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:4-5)”

When Solomon prayed in 2 Chronicles chapter 7 at the dedication of the temple, God answered with fire from above (v.1) and God gave him the assurance in verse 14 that “if My people who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”  

Where are the days of “Prayer for the Nation” every 1^st Saturday of every month? What happened to the fires on our altars of prayer? Less than two decades ago, that was our strength as the Nigerian church. May be in few quarters the fires are still burning, but we need to increase the intensity of these fires!

Let the Nigerian Church go back to the Prayer altars.

EMPOWERED FOR GREATNESS –PART II

Little did Gideon realize that God had empowered him for greatness. He was troubled about the oppression of the Midianites, and God raised him up to deliver His people. God sent him to war with 300 soldiers instead of the 3,000 soldiers he had prepared earlier on, and God gave them a resounding victory. The God who empowered Gideon for greatness at that time is still the same today and for ever. He is still in the business of empowering His children to do exploits for Him

Hard work, determination and total dependence on God can change anybody’s destiny in life. No one is born poor, neither is any born great. Everybody (old and young) is complaining about the situation of things in our land. The challenge to all of us who are reading this article is this: Let it be a commitment on your part to improve our beloved nation and move on to greater heights in the committee of nations, by preparing ourselves with the fear of God in our hearts, and be determined to love this nation. Let us be patriots! A lot of people do not love this nation. We want to “check out of the country.” Remember, other people built up their own countries with, hard work, honesty, integrity and love for the good of their fatherland. Let us wake up to our responsibilities! And the Lord will help us. Amen!

As a country we have produced thousands of professionals, be they medical doctors, civil and mechanical engineers, teachers, architects, lawyers, and what have you, yet whenever we need the services of these professionals we will suddenly find out that a number of them can not solve our problems. We can not trust most of our medical experts, so the rich and powerful people run to Asia, Europe and other countries for medical care. Is this not an anomaly? We even spend so much money as a nation to bring in expatriate engineers to build our roads, in fact sometimes to build our corporate buildings. What exactly is the problem?

Just as God had empowered Gideon to be great but he knew it not until God pushed him out of his shell, I believe that God has empowered every one of us towards greatness. But we have to change our mind-set, work hard and make up our minds to become great indeed. God needs us to bring about solutions to the religious, economic and political systems of this nation. Everybody must look inwards, have sober reflections and then declare to himself or herself that, “other people have excelled in life, I will not be an exception.” So I say unto you my readers, Work hard, have godly fear and strive for Excellence, I repeat, Strive for Excellence. 

EMPOWERED BY GOD FOR GREATNESS –PART I

Background Story:

The man Gideon is our text case. I will start with a background story as found in the book of Judges Chapter 6: 1- 14.The Israelites as we read in the Bible were special people unto God. He loved them so much and He would always fight for them against their enemies. But whenever they turned their backs against God, He in turn would use their enemies to punish them so as to win back their attention. Let us back up a little bit and read from Judges Chapter Four, verse 1, “After Ehud died, the Israelites once again did evil in the eyes of the LORD. So the LORD sold them into the hands of Jabin, a king of Canaan, who reigned in Hazor…”  Jabin’s commander at that time was Sisera. After 20 solid years of oppression by these people, the Israelites cried to the LORD for help. That period Deborah, the prophetess was in charge as a leader in Israel. She sent for Barak and told him what God said. Barak was to lead the people to war against Sisera, the commander of Jabin’s army. What was Barak’s reply? He told Deborah that if she was not following him to the battle field he, Barak, would not go. He recognized that God was with Deborah. Well, they went to fight the war and God gave Sisera into their hands. He was killed by a woman named Jael. The Israelites were full of jubilations after the victory (chapter 5), and in verse 31 we read that the land of Israel had peace for 40 years.

              By the time we get to chapter 6 of the book of Judges, what do we have to say about the Israelites? The bible states in verse 1, “Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD, and for seven years he gave them into the hands of the Midianites.” These people were so oppressive. The Midianites, the Amalekites and other Eastern people invaded the land of Israel and destroyed their farm lands. (6 v.4). By the time we get to verse 6 we see again that the Israelites cried unto the LORD for help. Psalm 121: 1 “I will lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth.” The Israelites acknowledged the fact that only God can help in times of crisis. As usual, God sent a prophet to them to remind them that He is their God, and that they should not worship the gods of the Amorites but they refused to listen to His warning. It was in the midst of this crisis that an angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon, son of Joash, under the oak of Ophrah, and he said to Gideon,

The LORD is with you, you mighty man of valor!” (v.12). That was strange to Gideon hence he said to the angel. “O my lord, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt? But now the LORD has forsaken us and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.” Then the Lord turned to him and said, Go in this might of yours , and you shall save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Have I not sent you?”