BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions Written by Dr. Esther Adenike Luogon

  CHAPTER ONE

In this chapter attention shall be directed at chains of relationships that exist among friends. It deals with issues of lack of trust between friends; communication gaps between lovers; delays in making one’s intention known to an opposite sex and problems relating to pre-marital sexual relationships. A number of assumptions are made here that almost ruin healthy relationships, but for the unfolding of truth as portrayed in each story. See the following comments:

“He does not like seeing other guys around me…It’s getting on my nerves these days.”

“ If I do not allow him to have sex with me, he will severe the relationship”

 “He does not call me on telephone regularly as he used to do, he must have lost interest in this relationship.”

Story I

“He does not like seeing other guys around me.

  He would always ask, And who is that fellow?

  It is as if he is witch hunting me. 

  I am fed up with his attention.

  It’s getting on my nerves these days.”

 At a University campus in Nigeria, Lucy and Betty met as room-mates and they became the best of friends. Interestingly, both of them were studying architecture. There was this boy, Dale by name, who had been coming around to visit the girls. One beautiful day, Lucy opened up a discussion with Betty. Aren’t you lucky girl, to have got a guy who is that interested in you? I think Dale is in love with you and I will advise you not to miss such a good guy. Among the guys we relate with on this campus, he is one in a million. Ah! Lucy, stop exaggerating. It is as if Dale has bribed you or something. You have suddenly become his public relations officer of late. Is he paying you for the job? Which job? Lucy asked. But let us face the truth Betty, that guy is falling heads and heels over you. You dare not disappoint him.

Betty asked Lucy an obvious question. Did Dale confide in you that he has asked for my hand in marriage or what? Have I received an engagement ring from him, or why is he policing me all about the campus?

He does not like seeing other guys around me. He would always ask, ‘And who is that fellow?’ It is as if he is witch hunting me. I am fed up with his attention. It’s getting on my nerves these days.

If he is interested, let him speak up. Lucy, I am not in the picture of this stage you seem to be setting for him. I know he is our friend, but is there anything more to this friendship? What is the essence of hiding your feelings from a lady if you truly love her? Instead of explaining to Betty the discussion she had earlier on had with Dale, Lucy just told her friend, Betty, make sure you do not miss this golden opportunity. Let’s get ready for lectures.

A week before Lucy had her last discussion with Betty she had met Dale at the cafeteria and they began to talk about campus life. While the discussion was still on, Lucy suddenly changed the topic. Dale, when are you people bringing us together to celebrate the D-day? Surprised, Dale asked Lucy, what do you mean? What celebration are you referring to? Don’t play safe Dale. I mean you and Betty. Almost stammering, Dale asked, ‘what did Betty tell you? Did she tell you that we are engaged?’ Lucy, talk to me, she is your friend. Has she confided in you that she likes me and would love to live the rest of her life with me? Lucy kept quiet. After a while she broke the silence. Dale, I am very sorry to have embarrassed you. But the way and manner I see you guard against all unwanted guests around Betty, I simply drew the conclusion that you are in love with her.

Lucy, you don’t have to apologize. I think this is a blessing in disguise. To be honest with you I am in deep love with your friend, but I am so afraid to tell her this. Are you not a man? Men are known to be bold and courageous. But you seem to belong to the category of those few that have no spine, Dale. That’s o.k. Lucy, let us go back to serious talk. But do you think Betty loves me? Will she accept to give me her hand in marriage? Is she fond of me Lucy? She remained silent. I am afraid she could give me a cold shoulder, so I put my feelings on hold. Dale waited for Lucy to respond. Lucy put up a satisfying smile, stretched out her hand to Dale and said, ‘Let me have my reward right away for assisting you to allay your fears.’ Dale shrugged off his shoulder and said, ‘O.k.’

You know Betty is my friend Dale. We talk heart-to heart. She is in ...

TO BE CONTINUED...

BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions Written by Dr. Esther Adenike Luogon

INTRODUCTION

All too often conflicts erupt among friends, peers, relations and others in their interaction with one another, basically due to communication problems. Communication is said to be the bedrock of all forms of relationships, and a good understanding is the hallmark of communication. Positive form of communication would attract good and successful relationship, while negative form of communication might result into a disintegration of relationship. Let me refresh our minds on few tips about communication. An author defines communication as “the interchange of ideas, facts and emotions by two or more persons by the use of words, letters and symbols.” There are different kinds of communication- verbal and non-verbal. At times human beings draw their conclusions by whatever interpretations are attached to words that are spoken or actions that are displayed. Unfortunately some of the interpretations are sometimes wrong because they are based on false premises.

If a class teacher is talking to a student for example and the boy begins to fidget, the teacher might assume one or two things, either that the boy is rude or is in a hurry to leave, but the actual fact may be that the young boy is pressed but he is afraid to ask the teacher to excuse him in order to attend to the call of nature. It is obvious that due to the wrong assumptions being upheld by the teacher, he will pass a wrong judgment on the boy and may even punish him. But if he cares enough to find out from the boy his reason for fidgeting, definitely he would develop a healthier attitude towards the boy. What I am reiterating in essence is the fact that communication is often hard work. When two or more people are engaged in any discussion, each party expects the other party to listen to the points raised and respond appropriately, but often we get disappointed when the feedback that is received is not in consonance with the message that was sent...

There was an interesting story about two friends who happen to come from different tribes, and by implication they speak different languages. Ojo visited his friend, Musa on one sunny day. The latter was so excited and instead of welcoming his friend first, he rushed into the bedroom to invite his father to come and meet with his friend. Unfortunately the visit turned sour just because differences in their languages were not taken into account. When Musa was rushing to call his father he said, “Where is my father, my friend is here.” Interestingly the same sentence Musa spoke in his language connotes a different meaning in Ojo’s language. What Ojo heard therefore was, “Where is my cutlass, my enemy has come.”

If you were Ojo, I guess you would have waited for Musa, or what would you have done? In all honesty nobody in his right mind would want to stay a second longer to watch the drama. By the time Musa and his father came out, Ojo, his friend had disappeared into thin air. When people are relating, cross-cultural considerations are very helpful. Musa and Ojo are from different cultures and that affected their relationship. This sounds like an extreme case though because if Ojo were to wait to find out from Musa what he meant, it might be too late if Ojo’s interpretation turned out to be correct...

TO BE CONTINUED ...

WHERE ARE THE PRAYER ALTARS FOR THE NIGERIAN NATION?

 N.B. Please Join us every 2^nd and 4^th Tuesday monthly for Prayers for Families and the Nation at Joyful Callers Counselling Ministry’s office, Suite 35, In God we trust Shopping Plaza, Fasakin Bus stop, along Sawmill-Gbagi road, Ibadan. Oyo state, Nigeria.  May the Lord find us dependable. Amen. (08138143021)

Dearly beloved in Christ Jesus.

No doubt crisis looms over our beloved nation, Nigeria. We can no longer deny this. It is a fact! The percentage of Christians in Nigeria are tactically being reduced through killings of various kinds - Spiritually, physically and mentally. Spiritually many are giving up their faith by selling their souls to Satan because they want to get rich quick, while some are in search of “protection” having abandoned the great Shepherd Himself. We have heard or read about such stories in the daily Newspapers. Few years ago it was reported that a head mason in a particular village (name withheld) was given a contract and was asked to come with twenty bricklayers, himself inclusive. They were conveyed in a vehicle to a place he could not identify because they were blind-folded on their way, and when they got to the middle of nowhere the blind-folds were removed and right before them was a vast land. They were to lay the foundation of a “church.” But to their chagrin about twenty pillars were there and a human being was tied to each pillar. Holes had been dug already and the instruction given to them was to bury one person in each hole. They had to obey under duress. The people were buried alive, and the holes cemented. After this cursed job they were returned to their village blind-folded and before they reached their village the blinds were taken off. They could not recognise the place they were carried to for that demonic operation. From that day the chief mason stopped accepting any job outside his village, and unfortunately one of the masons became mentally deranged. Brethren, what kind of “church” is this?

Beloved where are the Prayer Altars for our nation?     

Physically many others are being killed by the so-called “Fulani-herdsmen.” When did Cattle rearers become military personnel? Where are their staff with which they were leading and guiding their sheep and cows in years past? They now use sophisticated weapons to protect their cattle, from what or from who? It is a known secret that many Christians had been slaughtered especially in the Northern parts of the country. Think of Borno State killings, Adamawa, Taraba, Yobe, Kaduna, Benue and most recently Plateau state killings by supposed Fulani herdsmen. Hun un!

Mentally our children are being taught that all religions are the same, “Orun- lo- mo- eni ti- o- la” (Only heavens know those who shall be saved). This is contrary to the scriptures. John 3: 16-18, “For God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten son, that whosoever believes shall not perish but have eternal life…Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.” It is not about claiming superiority over other religions, Christianity is about Jesus Christ shedding His blood for the redemption of humankind. Some of our Christian girls are being lured with money to quit Christianity. The Bible states in 1 Timothy 6: 10, “For the love of money is the root of all evil.” This must stop! Let us teach our youth to love God above materialism.

They have mapped out strategies about how they want to fight Christians and wipe out Christianity. Is that not an aberration?  Can any mortal fight his creator and win? Over the centuries Christians have been suffering persecution. Has Christianity been eliminated? No! It can never be. On our part we do not have calculated strategies. Actually we don’t need any because we have GOD! Halleluyah. “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:4-5)”

When Solomon prayed in 2 Chronicles chapter 7 at the dedication of the temple, God answered with fire from above (v.1) and God gave him the assurance in verse 14 that “if My people who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”  

Where are the days of “Prayer for the Nation” every 1^st Saturday of every month? What happened to the fires on our altars of prayer? Less than two decades ago, that was our strength as the Nigerian church. May be in few quarters the fires are still burning, but we need to increase the intensity of these fires!

Let the Nigerian Church go back to the Prayer altars.

EMPOWERED FOR GREATNESS –PART II

Little did Gideon realize that God had empowered him for greatness. He was troubled about the oppression of the Midianites, and God raised him up to deliver His people. God sent him to war with 300 soldiers instead of the 3,000 soldiers he had prepared earlier on, and God gave them a resounding victory. The God who empowered Gideon for greatness at that time is still the same today and for ever. He is still in the business of empowering His children to do exploits for Him

Hard work, determination and total dependence on God can change anybody’s destiny in life. No one is born poor, neither is any born great. Everybody (old and young) is complaining about the situation of things in our land. The challenge to all of us who are reading this article is this: Let it be a commitment on your part to improve our beloved nation and move on to greater heights in the committee of nations, by preparing ourselves with the fear of God in our hearts, and be determined to love this nation. Let us be patriots! A lot of people do not love this nation. We want to “check out of the country.” Remember, other people built up their own countries with, hard work, honesty, integrity and love for the good of their fatherland. Let us wake up to our responsibilities! And the Lord will help us. Amen!

As a country we have produced thousands of professionals, be they medical doctors, civil and mechanical engineers, teachers, architects, lawyers, and what have you, yet whenever we need the services of these professionals we will suddenly find out that a number of them can not solve our problems. We can not trust most of our medical experts, so the rich and powerful people run to Asia, Europe and other countries for medical care. Is this not an anomaly? We even spend so much money as a nation to bring in expatriate engineers to build our roads, in fact sometimes to build our corporate buildings. What exactly is the problem?

Just as God had empowered Gideon to be great but he knew it not until God pushed him out of his shell, I believe that God has empowered every one of us towards greatness. But we have to change our mind-set, work hard and make up our minds to become great indeed. God needs us to bring about solutions to the religious, economic and political systems of this nation. Everybody must look inwards, have sober reflections and then declare to himself or herself that, “other people have excelled in life, I will not be an exception.” So I say unto you my readers, Work hard, have godly fear and strive for Excellence, I repeat, Strive for Excellence. 

EMPOWERED BY GOD FOR GREATNESS –PART I

Background Story:

The man Gideon is our text case. I will start with a background story as found in the book of Judges Chapter 6: 1- 14.The Israelites as we read in the Bible were special people unto God. He loved them so much and He would always fight for them against their enemies. But whenever they turned their backs against God, He in turn would use their enemies to punish them so as to win back their attention. Let us back up a little bit and read from Judges Chapter Four, verse 1, “After Ehud died, the Israelites once again did evil in the eyes of the LORD. So the LORD sold them into the hands of Jabin, a king of Canaan, who reigned in Hazor…”  Jabin’s commander at that time was Sisera. After 20 solid years of oppression by these people, the Israelites cried to the LORD for help. That period Deborah, the prophetess was in charge as a leader in Israel. She sent for Barak and told him what God said. Barak was to lead the people to war against Sisera, the commander of Jabin’s army. What was Barak’s reply? He told Deborah that if she was not following him to the battle field he, Barak, would not go. He recognized that God was with Deborah. Well, they went to fight the war and God gave Sisera into their hands. He was killed by a woman named Jael. The Israelites were full of jubilations after the victory (chapter 5), and in verse 31 we read that the land of Israel had peace for 40 years.

              By the time we get to chapter 6 of the book of Judges, what do we have to say about the Israelites? The bible states in verse 1, “Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD, and for seven years he gave them into the hands of the Midianites.” These people were so oppressive. The Midianites, the Amalekites and other Eastern people invaded the land of Israel and destroyed their farm lands. (6 v.4). By the time we get to verse 6 we see again that the Israelites cried unto the LORD for help. Psalm 121: 1 “I will lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth.” The Israelites acknowledged the fact that only God can help in times of crisis. As usual, God sent a prophet to them to remind them that He is their God, and that they should not worship the gods of the Amorites but they refused to listen to His warning. It was in the midst of this crisis that an angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon, son of Joash, under the oak of Ophrah, and he said to Gideon,

The LORD is with you, you mighty man of valor!” (v.12). That was strange to Gideon hence he said to the angel. “O my lord, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt? But now the LORD has forsaken us and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.” Then the Lord turned to him and said, Go in this might of yours , and you shall save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Have I not sent you?”

THE "JOY" OF SERVING GOD

The journey through the trials of life is not a pleasant one at all. If care is not taken, it can destroy a person’s life and even ministry. But it is interesting to note that the end result of trial can be glorious when one endures it patiently. (Rom.5:3-4)The same goes for the paradox in this thesis - the pain of serving Him becoming a thing of Joy. How can this be?

 Moses was a beloved servant of God, a man who spoke to God face-to-face. The Bible speaks of him as the meekest of all men. He was a man who led the Israelites for forty good years in the wilderness. Whenever he was faced with crisis, he cried unto the sender of the ‘great exodus’ – God, Himself. He walked with God long enough to understand His ways. But one wonders, “Why did he disregard His command at some point?” He was angry at the Israelites one might say, and he referred to them as “you rebellious people.” Did God hold him guiltless? Not at all. Though he pleaded for mercy he was not spared by God. (Deut.3: 23-27)

Servant of God, did you notice that as long as Moses was living in obedience to God’s command, God honored him in the presence of the Israelites because he honored God? But on that unfortunate occasion when he lost control of his temper, little did he realize what the consequence would be. Abraham laughed at God’s promise (Gen.17:17), Sarah also laughed, and she even told a lie (Gen.18:12,15); the virgin Mary asked the angel,“How shall this be…(Lk.1:31-34). And Zacharias, a priest, also asked a question, “Whereby shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife well stricken in years. (Lk.1:13-18).

 Moses was denied the joy of entering the long awaited for Promised Land. Is that not painful? Zacharias was pronounced mute for a season. What was the punishment meted out to Sarah and Mary? I hasten to add, God’s servants sometimes experience ‘pains’ in serving the Master. What God overlooks while dealing with others, He will hold you highly responsible for same. As ministers of God we need to remind ourselves always of this maxim, “Others may but I cannot.” To remain victorious in God’s service, obedience to His commands cannot be compromised. As long as we keep honoring the Lord in our daily walk with Him, we can be assured of the JOY of serving Him.

HALLELUYAH!

FROM THE ARCHIVES: I WILL LOVE AND YOU WILL OBEY- PART 3

NINE INGREDIENTS OF DIVINE LOVE IN PRACTICE BY A CHRISTIAN HUSBAND

           

There is no doubt that what is expected of a Christian husband is not an easy task at al. it is only the divine presence of the Holy Spirit described in its fullness from 1 Corinthians 12 that can lead on to these nine ingredients of love in 1 Corinthians 13. It should be remembered that Galatians 5:22 describes LOVE as the first fruit of the spirit. Christ Himself said it is the most important commandment. (Matthew 22: 36, 37).

(i)                 PATIENCE can be described as the passive love. 1 Corinthians 13: 4 & 7 describes this ingredient as being long-suffering, bears, believes, hopes and endures all things. There are going to be occasions especially early in marriage when the patience of a partner is tried to the limit. He would have complained about one thing or the other which the wife is not used to and during the time of adjustment he naturally grows annoyed. It is under such occasions the husband is expected to remember: ‘I love you.’ He continues to believe things are going to be better and thereby endures the situation.

(ii)               KINDNESS is love in action.

There are some husbands who only try to show off in public by opening the door of the car for their ‘bride.’  Such is only good when other kindness and concern is shown when only two of you are present. This show of kindness involves a constant appreciation of the wife’s extra labour of cooking, cleaning the house, washing napkins and clothes and lots of other household duties possibly in addition to her daily duty at work; when such appreciation is followed by a sincere helping hand and encouragement from the husband the wife is happy. But please note that it is necessary to be consistent in showing kindness to your wife.

(iii)             GENEROSITY – Love in competition.

Love within marriage should continue to be fanned by gifts of different kinds. Many husbands stop giving their wives gifts after the wedding day! Gifts need not be expensive; it may even be ‘a piece of meat’ on the table! Especially when as a result of unexpected visitors your meat ration has been cut off from four pieces to one and your wife has none! This ingredient of generosity should spread to the use of time in helping to get things done in the house.

(iv)             HUMILITY: Love in hiding

Within Nigerian set-up pride tends to rule the heart of the husband – he remembers he is the head of the family and thereby assumes a bloated degree of importance. Verse 4: ‘Love vaunteth not itself, it is not puffed up.’ Nothing should be too mean for the husband to do for his wife.

(v)               COURTESY – Love in society

Verse 5: “Love does not behave itself unseemly...” It means being polite both at home and especially outside. A husband must never disagree publicly with his wife; he can do this by constantly remembering that she is part of himself. Whatever he would feel about, if it is done by someone else must be avoided.

(vi)             SELFLESSNESS – Love in disposition

Verse 5: ‘seeketh not her own...thinketh no evil.’ It is always necessary for the husband to think more of the good of his wife.  He shows concern about her family responsibilities and her welfare. This ingredient is important in the aspect of sexual relationship. It is easy for the husband to ‘use’ the wife to satisfy his sexual appetite – Both husband and wife need to enjoy this aspect and there will be occasions when the wife is rather too tired to respond – the husband needs to express love that is not selfish to her.

(vii)           GOOD TEMPER : Love in disposition

Verse 5 ‘not easily provoked, thinks no evil...’There is a useful attitude that has helped in situations which would have brought about hot temper; that is the attitude of ‘positive analysis.’ When your wife has done something that annoys you to be provoked, first think of the positive reasons why she did it! Start from yourself – “Have I caused it? Was it done for the good of the family? I believe she did it for our good and until she proves otherwise I am not going to be angry because I love her.”

(viii)          RIGHTEOUSNESS: ‘White love’

Verse 6: When a husband sincerely hates sin, he would aim at keeping his home away from falling into sin. He himself will positively guard against it. He is always thinking in turns of how the family will be closer to God. Ephesians 5: 25-28 expresses a love that sanctifies and cleanses the wife so that she can be presented to God as holy and without blemish. It is one of the most important duties of the husband to ensure that the family altar is not neglected. He is to ensure constant love for God by the whole family and it is only through this that internal family love continues to grow. The more righteous a couple is, the greater their love one to another.

(ix)             SINCERITY: ‘Love never fails’

It is not necessary to expand this much further but simply to add that when all that is done in love is done with Christian sincerity such love will never fail. It makes you both feel you are still on honeymoon after 50 years of marriage. Yes, love brings submission and love in response. I am yet to find a couple who will follow the analysis of the scriptures without riding through their marriage in JOY and peace.

May our love to our wives be such that makes them obey us so that we shall both enjoy the peace and joy of marriage as God has designed it for us.  I will love, you will obey is the balanced and unbiased contract between husband and wife respectively that can ensure perfect peace, joy and harmony of their Christian home.

-          M.O. S ( REV.)

 Saturday, 20^th October, 1979.