FROM THE ARCHIVES: MY IN-LAWS ARE DOMINATING -PART II

Another problem is the pressure to marry due to age. If the couple are not financially sound as to be able to live and stay alone, they may be tempted to stay in their parents home. On the other hand a working couple with children who allow their parent to live as Nanny permanently or semi-permanently with them may also be inviting interference or domination by parents and /or in-laws. A student couple still depending on in-laws and parents for fees and other maintenance allowance can’t but be controlled by the donor. Gifts could be a bait, impatience could enslave, bad planning could be dangerous, without leaving you will remain forever bound. A country is never independent until she has escaped the domination of her masters by peace or struggle. You must start by leaving then you can go to a higher step of cleaving.

CLEAVING

Cleaving really means joining. This is a process that preceeds becoming one. Attempt joining two compatible materials (e.g. ropes) with a third and foreign material (e.g. gold). Though the third material could be so precious you can only bind it up with rope, you can’t join them together to be one. God does not plan that a Christian couple should cleave to anyone else. Only the husband and wife are first to be separated from their two families, remain alone and then cleave together. This cleaving is a painful process. It also calls for complete cut-off of all links of submission to one’s family. It calls for understanding the needs of one’s family and in-laws, and agreeing on how to help but never how they are to interfere in the running of your home. It calls for understanding of each others weaknesses and strength and differences so that a compromise could be arrived at that will help for moulding into one flesh.

      The only difference between this word “cleave” and “leave” is “C” standing for Christ who alone can join a compatible couple together without any form of interference from in-laws. If ever you intend your marriage to be a union that makes both of you to become one, you must be prepared to cleave and that means a readiness to accept your partner as the only perfect and fitting mate that can be joined to you. Parents and in-laws are not additional mating material but instruments of God for bringing you up till you are mature enough to fulfil God’s plan for you in marriage.

BECOME ONE

“Two shall become one flesh.” There is no ambiguity at all in God’s law. Thank God His word did not use fraction or percentage whose interpretation may have to be taken to Tribunal or Supreme Court where a split decision will permit external members on one hand and limit the union to two or the other. This is why polygamy is completely out of God’s plan also. Only two partners – helpmeet, fit for each other – can cleave together until they become one. If you have been married and you have not become one, yet both of you are Christians, then examine your marriage. Have you both left your father and mother and relations and in-laws to cleave together as husband and wife? I must say here that if one member of the family  fails to “leave,” the other member will surely have interference and domination from the in-laws. Love does not exist where your action causes your partner to suffer humiliation and subjection. Domination may not (and does not often) come directly from the in-laws to the affected person but through him/her partner.

      Let us watch out. The very moment you divulge your secrets to your family, the very moment you invite them to settle a rift between you, asking for subsidy for your feeding or other sustenance, is submitting your children wholly to the care and training of your parents, the very moment you argue or fight in their presence, the very moment you appoint your parent as your special adviser, the very split second you stop truly loving your partner – that very moment Satan sees a loophole and brings your partner and invariably you, under the domination of in-laws.

CONCLUSION

We have our example in the word of God. In Genesis 29-31, we read of the experience of Jacob. Anyone contemplating on marriage should study these chapters lest they fall into the bondage that often befall those who run into marriage prematuredly. Laban continued to dominate Jacob and play him out even with more service years. Even when Jacob had served for the wives and children he said in Gen. 30: 25-26 “... I want to go back home, Let me take my wives and children – for I earned them from you- and be gone, for you know how fully I have paid for them with my service to you.” Yet Laban said (verse 27) “Please do not go.” He bargained for more properties (sheep, cattle etc.) as wages for more service years. He never was able to run his home until he left to take his role as the head of the family. God is not calling us into a marriage of servitude but of freedom, joy, peace and lasting unity.

      I challenge you today that you must leave, cleave and become one if you desire a balanced Christian home free from domination by parents and in-laws. If you are not prepared for the responsibility of marriage, don’t venture into it. If you are not sure of God’s choice that will best fit you to become one, don’t rush into unequal yoke. Be sure your foundation is sound and have Christ only as the glue that will join both of you together to become one. Keep in-laws, parents and friends out of the administration of your home and the joy of being one will be yours.

                                                                                     Shola Adeleke (Mrs.)

                                                                                     Saturday, 20^th October, 1979.

FROM THE ARCHIVES: MY IN-LAWS ARE DOMINATING - PART I

Imagine yourself, faced with a sobbing lady who had come for counselling, having prayed with her, you listened very patiently to her as she shares her problem with you. All of a sudden as if to sandwich the weeping, she broke down with these words only: “My in-laws are dominating.” Surely you will wonder why, how and to what extent is this allegation true. A proof of the fact that any married couple is prone to have this problem is that, almost all intending couples are always warned against the interference of the outsiders especially the in-laws. We would examine the causes of this problem, its effect on the Christian home and the remedy for this cancer of the unwise Christian home.

      First of all, I wish to dwell on the theme of this symposium - A balanced Christian home. The triangle for this theme shows 3 vital steps that must be taken if indeed the Christian home were to be balanced. These are – LEAVE, CLEAVE, BECOME ONE. They all come from the word of God in Gen. 2: 24.

LEAVE: The first step in marriage is that the man should leave his father and mother and in fact his own family to set up his own home. The danger of not leaving one’s family was immediately realized by God when he was even going to choose a nation to be loved by him through Abraham. He was to leave his family and kindred and home town to a land that God will lead him to. He was not to be influenced in his decision and association with his new-found bride-groom.

Leaving calls for physical, spiritual, emotional and psychological maturity to be able to separate from old association and pioneer a new kind of living entirely. The problem many people have today is that they marry prematurely and thus had to depend to a large extent upon their parents. It is imperative that he who provides for your sustenance dictates your life. A man who has his mother or father as the only confidant and adviser needs to break this cord of dependency and realize that he now has a help meet. At this point I wish to suggest that the family background plays a great contributory part in this problem. 

We shall look at some practical problems:

A sister once came up with a problem. She has a non-Christian boy-friend that she has been going on with for quite some time. She knew within herself that she was not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers but because both parents have known of their association and are constantly pressurizing the couple to get married, she felt she would be offending her parent if she fails to marry this man. Obviously if she fears hurting them and prefers to disobey God instead, she would always seek to please them to the extent that they will rule her home for her. Moreover, the non-Christian husband would not believe in the principle of leaving; they can neither cleave nor become one because they are incompatible.  I will therefore ask our complainant, “Is the foundation of your marriage sound?”...