BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions Written by Dr. Esther Adenike Luogon

She is in deep love with you but she has told herself the truth that many ladies seem to be ignorant of, and that is, ‘it is not every guy that hangs around you that really needs your love. Some guys just do it for the fun of it.’ Dale looked at Lucy, ‘Tell me more, is this how you ladies think? Thank you Lucy. I can see that you are a true friend indeed. Please do not tell Betty that we had this sort of discussion. Do you promise? ‘I promise.’ She answered. I will get back to you Lucy. Bye. Dale zoomed off. Dale left Lucy’s presence with much confidence in his feelings towards Betty. I never knew that she was reading between lines. You see one needs to be careful these days with ladies. At times they can be very funny too. Even when someone is deeply in love with you in her heart, you just let out the cat, and you will be shocked at her reply, ‘I am not interested in any relationship right now.’ One wanders if it is a cliché that every girl must go for. I hope Betty will be different. He soliloquizes.  After a few days, Dale went to visit Betty and they began to discuss about all other subjects in the world except love matters. Betty was not feeling too happy at the protracted stay of Dale and yet, nothing substantial was coming out of the discussion. She looked at her wristwatch and her countenance changed.

Sorry Betty, it seems as if you have an appointment somewhere. Why do you say so? I have no appointment. Betty replied. But I saw you looking at your wristwatch. Oh! I am very sorry for my bad manners. Betty apologized. That’s alright. Now let us go on to the real business of the day. I am here on purpose Betty. She was surprised at Dale’s utterances, but she held her peace. Looking intently at Betty, Dale declares, ‘I love you so much, Betty. I cannot do anything without you. Will you marry me?’ As if she had not been longing to hear those words, Betty looked at Dale and asked quietly. Can you excuse me please? Before she could get off her seat, Dale asked again. Betty, are you ignoring me? Do you want to walk out on me and leave me in your room? I am very sorry if I have hurt you Betty. I promise that was not my intention. Sorry, I need to go now. Betty felt sad that she did not have the courage to say ‘yes’ to a question she has long been waiting to hear from Dale. Thanks Dale, I hope you are not too disappointed in me, let us keep up our friendship. Who knows what the future holds? Dale smiled. Sounds familiar! Betty was inquisitive, but he refused to offer any explanation. And they both walked out of her room.

Betty headed for Victoria’s room knowing very well that Lucy went there to study. She went with the hope of getting a shoulder to cry on. She burst into the room, rushed towards the beautifully laid bed and she began to cry. Lucy was taken aback at Betty’s dramatic action and she moved slowly towards the bedside, sat by her friend and encouraged her to speak out. After a while Betty lifted her head and looked at her friend. Her blood-shot eyes frightened Lucy who shouted, what is this Betty? Do you want to kill yourself? Talk to me. What is the problem? In response to her many questions Betty narrated the event that took place between herself and Dale. I guess as much. Lucy affirmed. Betty was baffled, looked straight into Lucy’s eyes and asked. How do you know? Know what? Lucy pretended as if she did not say anything implicating. Well Betty, it will be alright. Dale went back disturbed but he was determined not to give up too soon. “May be she is playing one of those pranks that ladies play with guys.” After few days, he decided to visit Lucy to find out if Betty had discussed with her. As Dale approached Lucy’s room, he was full of agitation and began to ask questions: What of if Betty is with her in the room? Will she not misunderstand my intentions? Are these girls truthful to themselves in their relationship? Several questions flooded his heart, but he summoned up courage and proceeded to the hostel. But why couldn’t he call Lucy on his cell phone to ascertain her where about? May be he was afraid that her friend, Betty, might be right there in the room with her. Let me just take the risk and get there, if I am unfortunate to meet Betty on seat, I will try and be smart to play my cards well. He concluded.

There was a knock on the door. Who is there? Before she could receive any response, she asked the visitor to come right inside ‘if you are beautiful looking.’ Dale opened the door gently as if he were a lady. To Lucy’s surprise, the beautiful face she was expecting in her room turned out to be a handsome looking friend of hers, Dale, the lover boy of Betty. She welcome him, offered him a glass of fruity juice and they began to discuss matters that were dear to Dale’s heart. In the course of their discussion Dale was inquisitive to find out from Lucy if Betty has confided in her about her feelings towards him.

Leave that area Dale, just do your part as a man. But what do you mean by that Lucy? Dale did not want to walk on assumptions. I mean, maintain your position and let her know that you are sincere with your marriage proposal. Does she think I am a playboy Lucy? Dale, please, please, be careful. What did I say just now that suggested that? Lucy gave Dale a look of assurance and encouraged him to press forward. Dale walked back to his hostel disturbed. “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad.” (Prov.12:25)

Betty came into the room an hour later and she confided in Lucy during their discussion, “Lucy do you know that Dale has never asked me to go to bed with him? Not even once! I am afraid he may not be a serious lover, and again I hope he is a man.” Lucy raised her eyebrow and rebuked Betty sharply. Are you not a Christian lady Betty? Do you expect a pre-marital sexual relationship from a Christian brother? Please for God’s sake, you need to ask for forgiveness. But Lucy, don’t blame me. Bosun demanded for that before we broke up the relationship, and when I shared this with some of my friends they laughed me to scorn, and called me all sorts of names, ‘holy Mary’; ‘virgin girl’; Holy mother, just name it. And I was told that it was normal for any guy to ask for a sexual enjoyment these days, or else ...

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BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions Written by Dr. Esther Adenike Luogon

  CHAPTER ONE

In this chapter attention shall be directed at chains of relationships that exist among friends. It deals with issues of lack of trust between friends; communication gaps between lovers; delays in making one’s intention known to an opposite sex and problems relating to pre-marital sexual relationships. A number of assumptions are made here that almost ruin healthy relationships, but for the unfolding of truth as portrayed in each story. See the following comments:

“He does not like seeing other guys around me…It’s getting on my nerves these days.”

“ If I do not allow him to have sex with me, he will severe the relationship”

 “He does not call me on telephone regularly as he used to do, he must have lost interest in this relationship.”

Story I

“He does not like seeing other guys around me.

  He would always ask, And who is that fellow?

  It is as if he is witch hunting me. 

  I am fed up with his attention.

  It’s getting on my nerves these days.”

 At a University campus in Nigeria, Lucy and Betty met as room-mates and they became the best of friends. Interestingly, both of them were studying architecture. There was this boy, Dale by name, who had been coming around to visit the girls. One beautiful day, Lucy opened up a discussion with Betty. Aren’t you lucky girl, to have got a guy who is that interested in you? I think Dale is in love with you and I will advise you not to miss such a good guy. Among the guys we relate with on this campus, he is one in a million. Ah! Lucy, stop exaggerating. It is as if Dale has bribed you or something. You have suddenly become his public relations officer of late. Is he paying you for the job? Which job? Lucy asked. But let us face the truth Betty, that guy is falling heads and heels over you. You dare not disappoint him.

Betty asked Lucy an obvious question. Did Dale confide in you that he has asked for my hand in marriage or what? Have I received an engagement ring from him, or why is he policing me all about the campus?

He does not like seeing other guys around me. He would always ask, ‘And who is that fellow?’ It is as if he is witch hunting me. I am fed up with his attention. It’s getting on my nerves these days.

If he is interested, let him speak up. Lucy, I am not in the picture of this stage you seem to be setting for him. I know he is our friend, but is there anything more to this friendship? What is the essence of hiding your feelings from a lady if you truly love her? Instead of explaining to Betty the discussion she had earlier on had with Dale, Lucy just told her friend, Betty, make sure you do not miss this golden opportunity. Let’s get ready for lectures.

A week before Lucy had her last discussion with Betty she had met Dale at the cafeteria and they began to talk about campus life. While the discussion was still on, Lucy suddenly changed the topic. Dale, when are you people bringing us together to celebrate the D-day? Surprised, Dale asked Lucy, what do you mean? What celebration are you referring to? Don’t play safe Dale. I mean you and Betty. Almost stammering, Dale asked, ‘what did Betty tell you? Did she tell you that we are engaged?’ Lucy, talk to me, she is your friend. Has she confided in you that she likes me and would love to live the rest of her life with me? Lucy kept quiet. After a while she broke the silence. Dale, I am very sorry to have embarrassed you. But the way and manner I see you guard against all unwanted guests around Betty, I simply drew the conclusion that you are in love with her.

Lucy, you don’t have to apologize. I think this is a blessing in disguise. To be honest with you I am in deep love with your friend, but I am so afraid to tell her this. Are you not a man? Men are known to be bold and courageous. But you seem to belong to the category of those few that have no spine, Dale. That’s o.k. Lucy, let us go back to serious talk. But do you think Betty loves me? Will she accept to give me her hand in marriage? Is she fond of me Lucy? She remained silent. I am afraid she could give me a cold shoulder, so I put my feelings on hold. Dale waited for Lucy to respond. Lucy put up a satisfying smile, stretched out her hand to Dale and said, ‘Let me have my reward right away for assisting you to allay your fears.’ Dale shrugged off his shoulder and said, ‘O.k.’

You know Betty is my friend Dale. We talk heart-to heart. She is in ...

TO BE CONTINUED...

BRIDGES TO RELATIONSHIPS: Facts or Assumptions Written by Dr. Esther Adenike Luogon

INTRODUCTION

All too often conflicts erupt among friends, peers, relations and others in their interaction with one another, basically due to communication problems. Communication is said to be the bedrock of all forms of relationships, and a good understanding is the hallmark of communication. Positive form of communication would attract good and successful relationship, while negative form of communication might result into a disintegration of relationship. Let me refresh our minds on few tips about communication. An author defines communication as “the interchange of ideas, facts and emotions by two or more persons by the use of words, letters and symbols.” There are different kinds of communication- verbal and non-verbal. At times human beings draw their conclusions by whatever interpretations are attached to words that are spoken or actions that are displayed. Unfortunately some of the interpretations are sometimes wrong because they are based on false premises.

If a class teacher is talking to a student for example and the boy begins to fidget, the teacher might assume one or two things, either that the boy is rude or is in a hurry to leave, but the actual fact may be that the young boy is pressed but he is afraid to ask the teacher to excuse him in order to attend to the call of nature. It is obvious that due to the wrong assumptions being upheld by the teacher, he will pass a wrong judgment on the boy and may even punish him. But if he cares enough to find out from the boy his reason for fidgeting, definitely he would develop a healthier attitude towards the boy. What I am reiterating in essence is the fact that communication is often hard work. When two or more people are engaged in any discussion, each party expects the other party to listen to the points raised and respond appropriately, but often we get disappointed when the feedback that is received is not in consonance with the message that was sent...

There was an interesting story about two friends who happen to come from different tribes, and by implication they speak different languages. Ojo visited his friend, Musa on one sunny day. The latter was so excited and instead of welcoming his friend first, he rushed into the bedroom to invite his father to come and meet with his friend. Unfortunately the visit turned sour just because differences in their languages were not taken into account. When Musa was rushing to call his father he said, “Where is my father, my friend is here.” Interestingly the same sentence Musa spoke in his language connotes a different meaning in Ojo’s language. What Ojo heard therefore was, “Where is my cutlass, my enemy has come.”

If you were Ojo, I guess you would have waited for Musa, or what would you have done? In all honesty nobody in his right mind would want to stay a second longer to watch the drama. By the time Musa and his father came out, Ojo, his friend had disappeared into thin air. When people are relating, cross-cultural considerations are very helpful. Musa and Ojo are from different cultures and that affected their relationship. This sounds like an extreme case though because if Ojo were to wait to find out from Musa what he meant, it might be too late if Ojo’s interpretation turned out to be correct...

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